Adventure of the Sorting Hat
by Maybe-I-Should-Write-Something
Summary: Some of the most ridiculous Sortings in Hogwarts history! Rated T for words of badness, ooh!
1. Peter Pettigrew

**A/N: This story was born when me and a friend got bored while discussing random ideas for stories while wearing Harry Potter shirts. This will be a collection of stories about poor and/or humorous decisions made by the Sorting Hat. And so now I present:**

**Adventures Of The Sorting Hat:**

**Part I: Peter Pettigrew**

"Pettigrew, Peter!" A little rat faced boy approached the stool, his watery eyes wide with obvious fear. He shuffled in small scurrying steps, as if trying to get there quickly and stay as far away from the stool as possible. A rather impatient professor cleared his throat loudly as if phlegm was the only thing keeping him from cursing the boy into a singing quartet of bullfrogs. Maybe that would seize his unsuccessfully stifled sobs. "Pettigrew eh-hmmmm Peter!" the professor tried a little louder.

Peter's face flushed an interesting shade of red as he hustled the rest of the way and nervously climbed the stool. Seeing the Sorting Hat so close raised his anxiety and started him to chewing his nails. Squeezing his eyes tight against the rising need for a bathroom, Peter felt the Hat lowered onto his head and let out a small squeaking noise.

_Did that boy just squeal?, _the Sorting Hat thought to itself. _Oh my goblins, he did! _The Hat grinned, sifting through the thoughts of the fidgeting child. The Hat stirred and shuffled, causing the quiet sobs to grow into a big hiccupping mess. _Geez, the kid's crying. I think he's gonna wet himself! So much for bravery._

_Well then, Gryffindor's out. What about Slytherin? _The Hat tuned in carefully to the mumbling words stringing through the sniveling boy's head. "Okay okay, just calm down Petey," _This boy's whacked out! Talking to himself…out loud I mean! _"The kids in green are NOT going to eat me! They just look hungry, that's all!" The Sorting Hat hummed. _Okay, too scared of Slytherin to be a Slytherin._

_Two down, two to go_, the Hat continued to hum none other than the Jeopardy song. How fitting. _What is Ravenclaw?, _the Hat joked_. Okay, here we go…_the Hat stopped. The kid was dumber than dirt, literally. There's memories of him reading the instructions on a bag of potting soil. _Who's that dumb? I thought those were on the bag as a joke! Most definitely not Ravenclaw! Blue's not your color anyway, kid._

_Hufflepuff it is then! If you can't fit in there, you are probably destined for cardboard boxes and tin foil hats anyway_, the Hat mused. Being placed in Hufflepuff was like receiving a gag gift. It's humiliating and not necessarily welcomed, but you have no choice but to smile and be grateful. Hardworking and loyal? You find those in every other house with the added bonus of, well, talent. The Sorting Hat was just about to announce a new Hufflepuff when, there it was. The kid was a betraying brown-noser! Ever since a young age this boys been selling out for the safety of his own miserable skin. He'd rather raise his lips to kiss ass than his fists to fight for his self! _You have got to be shittin' me. Not Hufflepuff?! What am I supposed to do, send him back? I haven't hated this job so much since- _the Sorting Hat froze and a slow grin spread on his frayed brim. _Heheheh, this is gonna be good!_

Years ago, a newly sorted Gryffindor was so ecstatic about his sorting that he celebrated in end-of-the-year-feast style. And threw the Sorting Hat into the air. He still had the patch from that repair. Usually a neutral point between houses, the Sorting Hat still held a fierce grudge. There's not much else to do while stuck on a shelf all year. It only takes so long to think of a song that has had the same basic elements for hundreds of years. Thinking back at that enthusiastic little Gryffindor and the sloppy patchwork resulting, he looked down on the whiny little bastard that now wore him on his sweating brow and-

"GRYFFINDOR!!"

**A/N: If you can't tell, I'm not a Pettigrew fan. Liked him better as a rat…reviews are always welcome but not demanded. If you have any suggestions on who else should be in the Sorting Hat collection, I'd like to hear them. And if your idea is used, you'll get your credit of coarse! Thanks for reading!**

**-Maybe**


	2. Luna Lovegood

**A/N: Ya'll guys are great, you know that? So much positive feedback…ahh! Not all feedback is in reviews, so the 'Alert' and 'Favorite' list guys and gals are great too! I'm still accepting suggestions and a special shoutout to ****MoonShoesPotter9 ****for this little tidbit which I shall call:**

**Part II: Luna Lovegood**

The Sorting Hat sighed. _Oh, if I were only younger…and human! _The Hat gazed longingly at the dreamy eyed girl standing amongst the new students. While the others were anxiously shifting from foot to foot, muttering under their breath, and chewing the nails to little shreds, this girl held a calm demeanor and distant gazed. No muttering or shifting. No chewing. Just the ever so occasional glance at the magazine tucked under one arm. The Sorting Hat envied that magazine.

Professor McGonagall kept her hawkish presence beside the stool, calling the names of first years as enthusiastically as possible, which isn't saying much. "Lovegood, Luna."

_Lovegood? As in the Quibbler? I love that magazine! Especially that newest issue with the article on Muggle illusions really being untapped magic! Gah, Lovegood's a genius! _Excited to meet anyone who so much as read the Quibbler, much less lived with the editor and maybe even helped, the Sorting Hat leaned forward and gasped. It was her! The girl!

The Hat was hypnotized by her floating, airy steps and bottle corks swinging rhythmically from her ears. The Hat sighed…well as much as a hat can sigh. Luna seated herself gracefully on the stool and at first the Hat thought he was giggling madly until he realized it was coming from the other students.

_How dare they! _The Sorting Hat thought incredulously. _She's a goddess among insects! Hell, even better! She's a Lovegood! _Admittedly, the Hat was a little bias. And irrevocably in love. If a heart had been sewn somewhere in the patches and frays, the Hat knew it was fluttering like mad. _They better not hurt you! _But looking down at the stool's, and the Hat's heart's, occupant, It saw no sign of recognition. Just the dreamiest smile It'd ever…._Yeah, I'm whipped. Completely sprung. If I had knees, I'd be on 'em. Sad but true. But she's sooo… I don't know! And the Quibbler! Beautiful and brilliant! Just like you, my sweet…_

Then the Sorting Hat had a stroke of inspiration. All these kids laughing, in It's opinion, were idiots. Idiots who will eventually need help, you know schoolwork and such. Except one house who all the other house's asked for intelligent help. _Well, unless you're that brainiac, OCD girl I put in Gryffindor earlier. _Besides her, everyone will come crawling back to the feet of one house. _So what better feet it crawl to than my sweet's?_ Plus, maybe putting her there will clear some bad publicity from the Quibbler…_It's okay, my dear. Soon, there will be lipstick SWAK's (sealed with a kiss) on the toes of your shoes from those who need you. But I need you more than all of them. Let them grovel but please come back to me. I'm doing this for you…_

"RAVENCLAW!"

**A/N: Aww, the Hat's gotta little but of a crush. Thanks for reading and remember, reviews and suggestions are always welcome. **

**-Maybe**


	3. Scorpius Malfoy

**A/N: Gah! Haven't updated in forever! Why you may ask? Well:**

**Because of vacation **

**And a lack of inspiration**

**After chapter number two**

**I was stuck like krazy glue**

**Couldn't write chapter three**

'**Cause I'ze chillin' by the sea**

**I realize and apologize**

**So please don't hate me!**

**Whew! Poetry is hard…And still big thanks to MoonShoesPotter9! Here's another one of your requests! So I end this super long author's note to begin:**

**Next Generation: Scorpius Malfoy**

"Malfoy, Scorpius!" A blond boy with a smug grin and a cocky air about him strutted towards the front. _Hey! Who struts up here?! These little twidgets are supposed to be pacing trenches in the floor!_ The Sorting Hat continued its internal rant on why children should quake in fear before it. _I mean, come on! I'm an accessory that determines your whole friggin' future!_

Just as the Hat ended the ranting that becomes of most talking apparel, the boy had straddled the stool and smirked at the Hat like he'd just won an argument. _Did that little bastard just smirk at me?! Oh! Oooooh! It is SO ON!! Wait a second…I recognize this little nose picker from somewhere…_And the Hat did. Like some kind of distant non-important fuzzy tidbit of knowledge that you learn off of a television game show then give yourself a headache trying to remember later. _Malfoy! That's it! He's a freakin' Malfoy!_

Unlike the Slytherin House and most purebloods, The Sorting Hat held the Malfoy family in very, very little esteem. More like contempt. Hatred. Disgust. Disgust was mostly because of the family's tendency to overdo the whole hair gel thing, but the basics still apply. They were cocky, arrogant, self absorbed, and...and-GAH! All Slytherin, all the time. Sitting on a shelf for all but one day a year made the Hat hate monotony. And Malfoys were monotony.

The Hat shivered on top of mini-Malfoy's head. Same as all the others. Egotistical and enough hair gel to turn the Hat's nonexistent stomach. _Gross. Hmm..let's see what we've got here…Ugh! _The Hat almost added the last part out loud. _Just like daddy. And grandpa. And every other friggin, motherlickin, toe sucking little sleaze-ball Malfoy before him. _

_ I'm tired of this crap! _The Hat was almost back in full-on rant mode…again. It was really tired of this, as described, crap. It could almost smell this boy's future. Slytherin. Find some idiotic yet loyal goons. Suck up to the Head of House. Be the scourge of Gryffindor. Prefect. Head boy. Marry some airhead and produce more little blonde egotists with gel slicked hair. Repeat cycle. _Great…_

It clicked right then. The cycle begins with…_Me! I start the Malfoy cycle! I've created my own monster…..but what I create, I can destroy!_ The boy continued to smirk up at him, even though a little less smugly. Malfoys were supposed to be sorted on contact. Slytherin always, no doubt, no hesitation. _Well, not this time, sonny! Let's make daddy proud! Smirk at this!_

"GRYFFINDOR!! Heheheh…"

**A/N: A Gryffindor Malfoy?! Impossible! But that's what makes it one of Hogwarts most ridiculous sortings. Reviews are always welcome, as are suggestion for the next sorting. Need ideas folks!! And don't get me wrong, I love the Malfoys. Just need to break the monotony. But they really do use a LOT of hair gel, at least in the movies. Hope this was long enough to make up for the slight hiatus. Prolly not, but oh well! Oh man! Two long notes in one chapter! Must have missed ya'll. Let me know if you missed me!**

**-Maybe**


End file.
